How It Could Have Been
by Saiph Nebula
Summary: Didn't like the Johnny/Meryl ending? Here's my take on the battle on OH in MGS4, leading to Snake/Meryl.
1. Chapter 1

It didn't seem to matter how many they shot down, the FROGS just kept coming. Meryl quickly ducked behind Snake, reloading a MAG into her gun. "This is insane!" she cried, "Where are they all coming from?"

Snake fired off what was left of his ammunition, cutting down the last of the soldiers for the time being. Meryl handed him the only weapon she had left.

"Listen, I can distract them as you go on ahead!" she told him, already hearing the sounds of footsteps on the walkways overhead.

"You won't last five seconds!" Snake shot back.

"Well we have to do _something_, we can't hold out much longer. We have to get that virus into the AI!"

Snake held back his retort about Meryl stating the obvious. The pair began moving back, slowly, in perfect sync with each other. The Mk. III was still working on opening the door behind them.

"You can't stay out here" Snake told her, an idea he wasn't so sure about forming in his mind.

"I could try running for it. Wouldn't get far." Meryl tried to joke back.

A succession of beeps from behind them alongside Otacon's victory cry made the decision for him. Grabbing Meryl under her arm, Snake pulled her towards the open door. "You're coming with me!" he told her, feeling himself struggle to handle her weight against him. The nanomachines... he needed another shot. Soon.

There wasn't time for arguments as the Mk. III secured the door behind them. Snake's gun clattered to the ground.

"Snake, what do you think you're doing!?" Meryl shouted, pulling her arm free from his grip and almost unbalancing him as she did so. He fell back against the black railing behind him, panting hard. Meryl holstered her gun as she watched him gaze up at her, looking older and more tired then ever before. Still, his eyes hadn't changed since she'd last seen him. If anything, they were brighter with the need to keep on fighting, to keep _living_.

"You'd... die... if I left you out there. At least in here... you have a shot."

Meryl ran both her hands through her hair, fingers lingering on the bandanna that was moist with her sweat, "In here I'm trapped."

The Mk. III quickly rolled up between them, it's small screen turning to face Meryl. "Not for long," Otacon told her, "As soon as the virus is uploaded, this ship's defences will be useless"

"Otacon" Snake croaked, still bracing himself on the railing, "Can they get through that door?"

"It'd take them a while..."

Snake eyed the room wearily. There was little to use as cover here, Meryl wouldn't be protected if she stayed behind.

A hand came up in front of his face, a finger pointing at him not an inch from his chin, "Don't even think about it" she said dangerously, "I'm not staying behind to wait for you..."

The word 'again' went unsaid, but still lingered there between them. Out of courtesy, Otacon moved the Mk. III further up the hallway, trying not to listen in.

"I won't argue about this, not _now_ Meryl!"

Snake tried to sound firm, but the effect was lost as he pushed himself away from the railing and almost fell flat on his face. At least, he _would_ have had Meryl not been there to catch him. He raised his hands to push himself away, knowing that if he stopped to rest now he may never get up again. But as the rubbery gloves of his suit came to rest on Meryl's hips, he found himself leaning further into her, not away.

Meryl sighed, her cheek coming to rest on his shoulder, Snake barely felt the pressure. He did, however, feel her warm breathe against his cheek as she whispered to him. "... You don't have to do this _alone... _David."

"Yes I do," he groaned, finally able to call up enough strength to lean back. Neither of their hands moved from each others bodies though. In fact they each held on a little tighter.

Meryl stared him down with a look she could never have pulled off nine years ago. Snake could see a decade full of memories, struggles and pains in those eyes. The shine she'd once held for him was almost faded; it had grown into something more then just some twisted, misguided worship. Perhaps she'd never witness the things he had, or committed the same sins, but she was wiser now. No longer the rookie or the girlfriend; closer to an equal.

"I'm seeing you down this hall at least," she told him firmly, and Snake knew there was no way to stop her. Except knocking her unconscious perhaps.

"You've really... grown" he told her, voice barely audible. Meryl smiled back.

"I had a good mentor. For a while."

"I don't want to interrupt," interrupted Otacon, "but we're kind of in a hurry here!"

"Right" Snake grumbled, "I've got a date with the world's deadliest easy bake oven"

Meryl sighed as their hands finally released each other. She knelt to retrieve the gun Snake had dropped and handed it to him. Her desert eagle. "We don't know what else is waiting up there," she said softly. As if their possible deaths meant nothing.

Snake pushed it back to her, "Keep it, I won't be needing that, not where I'm going"

"So it's my turn to protect you then. Got it." Meryl nodded, turning towards the dimly lit walkway ahead and raising the weapon with more grace then a soldier could possibly have whilst handling a deadly weapon. "Let's go."

"You always were... stubborn" Snake murmured, following from behind. The view he suddenly had made him think of Moses, "Nice to see some things never change."

"What do you- uh oh, enemy ahead!"

Suddenly rolling down the corridor towards them were five, ten, twenty scouts! Their creepy black hands and outer-casing glinted in the overhead lights. Meryl raised her gun and started firing, managing to take out those gathered together by blowing up the scouts in the centre of the groupings. Explosions echoed around the long corridor as the pair fought their way through. It was soon clear that the ambush was too much for Meryl alone to handle. Snake reached around her waist and easily removed the gun she'd offered earlier. Standing side by side this time, they made their way further towards GW, the Mk. III whizzing by unseen.

"Whatever happened to... old fashioned... guards!" Meryl grunted, shooting three scouts from the roof.

"Perhaps they got tired of you stealing their clothes!" Snake replied, half-joking. Meryl growled back, refraining from rolling her eyes. His face may have changed, but his attitude sure hadn't.

"Almost there guys!" Otacon's voice called down the hall. Both Meryl and Snake made a dash for it, destroying the enemy weapons as they ran. Once they were clear they kept on running, right through the enclosed room with rust-red walls and through the next door, all but falling down the stairway as they hurried onwards towards the server room.

Breathing hard the pair leant back against the steel wall, facing each other. They didn't have long to rest though as Otacon skilfully manoeuvred the Mk III down the stairs he shouted a warning:

"_FROGS_!"

Immediately, Meryl's gun was raised, pointed unwaveringly at the door. "Can't you block the door?"

"Not this one, it seems the AI has taken over all locking systems, it's undoing all my previous overrides!"

"Dammit!" Snake cursed, pounding the side of his fist into the wall behind him, "How long until they're on us?"

"Minutes. But I don't think they'd follow us through the tunnel!"

Meryl lowered her weapon, glancing worriedly between the small contraption bouncing around on the floor, Snake, and the tunnel's entrance.

Finally she sighed, giving into her fate. "Well, that's it then. We go through together, one of us will make it through..."

Snake made to argue, but only managed to cough and splutter as the nanomachines in his body surged and regressed. Or was it simple age that was slowing him down now? Snake had long ago stopped caring, as long as he could get the job done.

"N-no" he grunted, "You're not going in _there_!"

Footsteps, fast and heavy, could be heard echoing towards them. Meryl cried out in exasperation, slamming her gun down next to Snake's head.

"Listen to me Snake. This isn't just about you any more! There's too much at stake for your damn ego to get in the way!"

Finally gaining the adrenaline rush he needed, Snake pushed away from the wall, forcing Meryl to back away from him. "It's not about my ego, Meryl" he told her calmly, "It's my duty to be in there, to see this through..."

Meryl tried to match his calm tone, but found herself unable to quench the shake in her voice, "Even if it's the last thing you do huh?"

"No... it _has_ _to_ _be_ the last thing I do..."

The Mk. III wobbled up between them, "Snake..." Otacon said warningly, "We'll get through this. But not if you're still here when those FROGS arrive... Meryl, can you hold them back?"

"Alone!?" the red-head exclaimed, finally breaking her heavy gaze from Snake's face. Fear and panic flickered in her eyes as she stared up at the door, the only thing separating her from certain death. She looked back to Snake, expecting to see impatience or even some resistance in his expression. But there was only... sadness.

"_This could be the last time..." _she thought to herself; raising her hand as she did so, Meryl removed her glove, using her teeth to pull it from her hand, and pressed it to Snake's scarred cheek. It was impossible to believe that so much had happened in the past nine years, so much had _changed_. The world, him, herself. There just weren't enough words to say... to tell him...

"Good luck" she whispered, standing on her toes to plant a fleeting kiss on his forehead.

Without another word, she turned and fled back up the stairs. Her figure disappearing with a flash of red hair and the curl of her bandanna.

Snake released a long breath, not realising he'd stopped breathing at all. Otacon led the way towards the door, the screen turned to face his comrade, "Ready? The faster this gets done, the more of a chance we all have off getting of this ship alive."

Snake braced himself against the door frame, his vision swimming with memories and faces before finally focusing on the black steel of the door.

"Then let's go."

The heat hit him with a physical force. The sound of sizzling was all he could hear as red filled his vision. Red...

He didn't know how he did it, but one foot made it in front of the other until he was inside the tunnel. As if from a great distance, he heard Otacon spurring him on, occasionally crying out when either of them got to close to the wall that was set to shock anyone nearby.

A sudden pain registered over his eye. The Solid Eye; the heat had caused it to explode. He wondered vaguely if that was why his vision was suddenly flashing red, white and black; had he been blinded?

His body slumped forward as he hit the floor.

"_Keep... almost there... Snake.._."

Otacon's voice floated through his dropping awareness, forcing him to keep on moving, to just put one hand in front of the other and _keep going_...

Suddenly, the ground seemed to fall away from him. No... he was moving upwards, drifting up... rocking... falling haphazardly through the tunnel. If this was death then it was something of a let-down. A voice broke through the haze, more welcome then any angel's song.

"_Move your feet, asshole_!"

He was moving forward, or being dragged at least. The red of the tunnel seemed to fade up ahead, growing darker. Well, at least there wasn't a bright light waiting for him up ahead, Snake thought. Or was that bad?

The sudden change in temperature was enough to shock his wavering consciousness back to reality a little too sharply. He heard two thumps hit the ground, one being his own and the other belonging to a retching red-headed woman at his side. He made to call her name, to ask if she was okay, but was interrupted by the sudden need to vomit.

Once he'd finished he rolled away from the disgusting patch, feeling the burn of his suit slowly cool against the cold, metal ground. It seemed Meryl was doing the same, one side of her face was pressed flat to the ground, the bandanna on her forehead now looked black it was so damp with sweat.

"You... came back..." Snake panted, watching the quick rise and fall of her back. The gun at her waist was still glowing red from the heat, the palm of the single glove she still wore had been burnt away, exposing sore and blistering fingers which she pressed against the floor. He wasn't sure if he meant to thank or chastise her.

"Good thing I did" she croaked back, "There were too many... we had a friend turn up just in time to help... I couldn't take them on myself..."

Snake nodded, understanding that there was only one person who could take on a whole league of FROGS and hope to survive. The seizure's in his muscles finally began to subside, leaving a dull ache in their place.

Meryl was the first to move, pushing herself away from the ground, she looked up and gasped.

"It's like a graveyard..." she whispered.

Snake rolled over once again and pushed himself to his knee's. In front of him were what looked like black tombstones, surrounded by the holographic image of white flowers. Up ahead he could see Otacon already connected to the server. Pulling himself unsteadily to his feet and wishing more then ever that he could just sit and have a smoke, he offered Meryl his hand. The two stood together, watching as the flowers faded into nothing. The silence of the room compared to the chaos and brutality from before had an unsettling effect on them both. It was too calm, like the eye of the storm.

"Okay! This is it!" Otacon declared.

Meryl clutched at Snake's arm, turning to him in disbelief, "We... really did it?" she breathed.

Snake, however, knew better then to assume it was all over. Nothing came easily; not that almost roasting to death had been a walk in the park... but just as he'd predicted, the 'clack clack' of an enemies approach soon reached his ears.

"Meryl, your weapons!"

"Raiden gave me these" she told him quickly, pulling from her back Snake's M4 and a belt of spare ammo. Wincing as she touched her own, still smouldering gun at her side, she ignored the pain and re-loaded. "Aren't we ever gonna catch a break!?"

"Not until we're cold in the ground. And even then I wouldn't count on it" Snake muttered, steadying himself against one of the black monolith-like structures and forcing his arms to hold the gun firmly pointed towards the oncoming targets.

It was just like in the corridors before. Scouts appeared out of nowhere; for every one they destroyed, five seemed to take its place. The room filled with the smell of gunpowder and burnt metal. Snake and Meryl ended up standing back-to-back, leaning on each other to simply stay upright. Each second that they stood there, feeling the other struggling to fight, seemed to drag on for an age. It didn't take long for them to begin shouting obscenities, begging Otacon to _hurry the hell up._

The high pitched whine and Otacon's exclamation of success was like the world's most beautiful symphony to their ears. All three watched as the scouts slowed, then simply stopped mid-attack, falling uselessly onto the ground. Meryl kicked the nearest few away, repulsed by their mutated shape. Snake could only fall back to the ground, releasing the gun from his grip.

"Wait... hold on a second..."

Dread began forming in Snake's stomach as Otacon began making sounds of incredulity from beside him. "What now?" he snapped.

"It's... the worm-cluster... _it's not stopping at GW_... it's erasing JD too!"

Meryl rushed forward, trying not to trip on the deactivated bots cluttering the ground. "How is that possible!?"

"I... I don't..." Otacon stammered. Then;

"_Naomi?_"

Around them the walls came to life. The image of Naomi's sadly smiling face bore down upon them from all sides. As she began to speak, Meryl subconsciously drew closer to Snake. It was like being spoken to by a ghost, Naomi's story re-told to them all by her own mouth as her body lay, alone and cold, back on Moses. Aware of what she'd done to Snake, Meryl had once though she'd never be able to look upon the woman who'd poisoned his body with anything but contempt and mistrust. But now she watched the footage with... respect, if nothing else.

They were all far too bloodied by their own sins to cast judgement upon others.

The recording cut off abruptly. Otacon's whimpers and incoherent murmurs faded as Meryl and Snake found themselves gazing at each other in a daze, unable to believe that it could really be over. Two bruised and reddened hands reached out, momentarily entwining.

So this was peace.

This was good.

* * *

Disclaimer: All rights to Konami, Hideo Kojima etc. I own nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

Peace was a lie. A fragile, cruel lie that lasted only long enough to taunt those who needed it most.

The world was broken, eternally scarred. At least that was how it appeared to Meryl Silverburgh as she flicked angrily through the television channels. Riots, injustice, corruption; even now, when mankind had been given a second chance to rebuild the world, make it better and to _learn_ from their mistakes, power and fear still ruled over reason and love.

"Turn the damn thing off." Snake grunted from beside her.

With her arm poised on her crossed knee, Meryl speared him with a frustrated look until she recognized that hidden gleam in his eye. She switched the portable television onto a generic music station, turning the volume down low.

"I don't know why you watch it, it just upsets you." Snake grumbled to himself, his hands restlessly picking at his worn sweater. Meryl knew that his short temper and irritability was mostly coming from the fact that he had actually managed to hold true to his vow to give up smoking. She and Otacon had placed secret bets on how long he'd last – and at the moment she owed Otacon more cash then she was happy to part with. Without war she had no job, since there were no more PMC's to monitor. She had been offered a position as peace-keeper in some of the areas currently overwhelmed with soaring crime rates and public violence, but had declined for several reasons. It had been a long time since she'd had to interact with civilians, she didn't trust herself to not go crazy and do something reckless in all her frustration and disappointment.

Without the nanomachines the violence was just... too real. And besides, she had other things that needed her attention. More important things. Namely the man beside her whom she had practically forced her presence upon over the past month. Since he'd almost been killed in his fight with Liquid Ocelot, Meryl hadn't been able to forgive herself for being foolish enough to leave him alone aboard Outer Haven. She'd been too eager to find out who else had made it through the battle and actually believed the idiot when he said he'd be okay on his own. The high that had come with their victory had made her careless, and without the nanos to regulate her senses and emotions she'd had difficulty thinking straight. Of course, leave it to Solid Snake to almost _die _rather then accept help from anyone. He'd been strangely silent about what had happened between him and Liquid Ocelot, aside from the fact that they'd beaten on each other pretty excessively in a final testosterone-flinging contest.

Not to mention what had happened afterwards... but they weren't supposed to talk about _that_.

Meryl strummed her fingers angrily against the thin padding of the chair she and Snake were sat on, throwing the man glances every so often as her thoughts returned to that day, when Otacon had brought him back to the Nomad and she'd realised from his expression - and the way Snake drank in every sight, sound and touch - that he hadn't intended on coming back from his short 'trip' at all.

"I'm not going to drop dead right this second," he snapped eventually, tired of the way she was watching him, "You're like a damn vulture Meryl, go entertain Sunny for a while."

"She's still out with Otacon. Sorry but I'm today's Snake-sitter – deal with it."

"You're just making sure I don't smoke," he rasped.

Meryl clucked her tongue and rolled her eyes as he stretched his legs out against the ground. "I didn't think you'd make it past the first week," she informed him soberly, "I owe Otacon a twenty now."

Snake's curt laugh quickly turned into a coughing fit as he doubled over, clutching his chest. On instinct Meryl leant forward to help him, her arms wrapping around his broad shoulders to steady his shaking body. It took several minutes for his fit to subside, and even then he found himself gasping for breath. He was pale and his brow glistened with sweat. Meryl used the sleeve of her shirt to brush it away, beginning to panic as Snake's eyes slid closed.

"Hey," she shook him gently, "Don't pass out on me!"

One eye opened to stare at her dully, "... tired..." he mumbled.

Meryl paused, hovering over his body as she wondered if letting him sleep was the best thing to do. But his breathing had evened out and his cheeks were slowly regaining colour. Maybe rest was all he needed for now...

"All right then big guy," she half-heartedly teased, throwing one of his arms over her shoulders, "Off to bed with you." His chuckle came out as a hoarse rasp, but it made Meryl smile all the same.

"I've heard that before."

With a roll of her eyes, Meryl heaved his slouched figure from the couch and eased him over to the chopper. Otacon had emptied it out and turned it into a make-shift bedroom for Meryl when she'd insisted she stay with them. She'd only used it for a short time before giving it over to Snake. She could see how he hated not having any privacy as his body slowly diminished at twice the rate of his tired soul. He'd taken the room begrudgingly, giving in only because he already knew how stubborn Meryl could be. Now she shared the small curtained area with Sunny while Otacon took over Snake's old spot on the fold out bench.

Snake limped along at her side, surprisingly without complaint. Meryl had to lean him up against the side of the chopper to open it's door before bundling him inside. Groaning as he rolled over onto the floor and abandoning an attempt to pull himself onto the seats which had been turned into a small bed, he waved his hand to shoo Meryl away.

"You sure you're all right?"

"Mm," he replied, one hand resting behind his head while the other fell to his chest. Meryl watched as his torso rose and fell repeatedly, knowing he was asleep when the movements lengthened and he began quietly snoring. Knowing he'd end up bitching that he was sore when he woke up, she pulled the pillow from the bed and carefully poised herself on the edge of the stairs, easing the pillow underneath his head. She held her breath for a second when he'd mumbled something incoherent about 'those damn monkeys', snorted and began snoring twice as loud, making her bite her lip in an effort not to laugh and wake him. Eventually she abandoned the pillow when it was half-way tucked under his head and silently slumped sideways against the door.

Meryl watched for a few moments, waiting for more signs of life. It made her uncomfortable to see him so still, regardless of the knowledge that sleep was the only time he found any peace. He no longer dreamed - or so he told her. Perhaps his mind had finally found some repose now that he would soon be leaving the battlefield behind for good. No more bloodshed or suffering... she didn't know what happened when people died, but Snake had seemed to take comfort from that particular unknown. She knew he had no religious beliefs, had never indulged in any spirituality. Maybe he looked forward to the blank nothingness that came with death. To Snake it would probably look like freedom.

Meryl slid the door shut with a quiet click, moving to dim the interior lights before sluggishly walking up the stairs to her own corner of the plane. Living in the kitchen area meant she was forever catching the smell of noodles and eggs wafting from her clothes and hair. She'd smelled of worse before, of course.

She collapsed onto the roll-away mattress she'd left out that morning, not bothering to pull the curtain round. Sunny didn't like being closed in completely, it made her claustrophobic, and the guys never came upstairs for anything other then food or a bathroom break anyway, so she had no reason to be overly modest. The past few years with the men in her squad had eroded any reserve when it came to her body, not that either man she lived with now had seemed interested in the slightest. Perhaps she was losing it, she thought with a self-depreciating smirk. She was almost thirty now, her womanly curves hidden behind bulky muscles, her skin flawed with scars and calloused from carrying heavy gear for hours on end. She'd gained weight while building up her physique and didn't resemble her eighteen year old self at all any more. The only upside had been that her breasts had increased with the size of her body, which itself was in great condition (minus the scars) since she'd never had any children to misshape and abuse it.

She snorted into the darkness. Just another part of her that went to waste. Her military career meant moot, she was left with a family so broken she wasn't even sure if she knew how to keep it together this time around, and her only friends were outcasts from society; too damaged or inexperienced to be coaxed back into the real world. Meryl wondered where that left her in the grand scheme of things, and vaguely entertained the idea of getting the squad back together; her, Ed, Jonathan and Akiba. At least the four of them had felt like some kind of family, as mismatched and dysfunctional as they had been. Perhaps it would be easier with the three of them to make her feel like less of a failure... she even thought Johnny would be worth looking up again one day. Every family needed their useless but lovable tag-along to balance out the crazy. He'd always been like some sort of dorky younger brother, even though he'd been several years older then her. She wondered what the guys were doing right at that moment... if they were coping without SOP, without each other...

* * *

It was dark when he woke up. And he ached like hell. His neck, his back and even his ass seemed to cry out in protest when Snake tried to stretch out and get some life back in his body. Every day seemed to be getting worse. He felt like an old toy being kept around for no reason other then the fact that someone still seemed to want him around, even if he was just left in the corner to gather dust.

It suited him just fine for now. He could wait a little longer. Solid Snake may have finally finished his last mission, but he still had things to take care off. First on his list... he needed to take a leak, badly. He'd always heard old men complaining about their bathroom habits, having to wander back and forth across the hallway four times a night. It had never occurred to him that one day, that could be him. That he'd be old and decrepit and would need the toilet a lot. Perhaps he'd assumed he'd be dead long before he needed to cover those grey hairs. Now he had a full head of them and a bladder as uncontrollable as a new-born child's. Ironic. Maybe this was someone's idea of a joke, shoving the experience of eighty years of life into forty. He couldn't say his life had been half-lived, that was for sure.

Sitting up, Snake reached for the door's handle and awkwardly manoeuvred his way from the chopper. He heard snoring nearby and assumed Otacon had come home while he was sleeping. Sunny would be upstairs with Meryl. The memory of her helping him into bed was vague and cloudy, but he was sure he'd said something witty as he'd lumbered along beside her.

The stairs were murder to climb, but he made it to the top with no accidents and without waking anyone. The only light in the plane came from the small bulbs along the walls, making everything an ethereal blue. The blue made him think of water, and water made him think of peeing. He made it to the tiny cubicle and sighed as he relieved himself.

"You could at least close the door," a tired voice said behind him.

"Thought you were sleeping," he responded, finishing up quickly and washing his hands. Backing up, he turned to see Sunny sleeping with one arm dangling off her bunk dressed in her oversized 'I Love New York' t-shirt and long pink socks. The image caused him a moment of reflection; youth versus old age, and he was insanely grateful that Meryl was there to distract him from his thoughts as sadness crept over him.

Her face was hidden by the shadows stretching over the floor, though he could just make out her shape in the darkness, "Too restless tonight. You know how I get."

"I remember. You used to wake me up all through the night, tossing and turning, kicking me in the butt."

He heard her chuckle and found he liked the sound – had missed it even. "Drink?" he asked, remembering how they used to stay up during the long nights neither could sleep.

"Might as well," she nodded, kicking away her sheets to climb from the floor. Snake felt his way around the kitchen, flicked on the small kettle and gathered up two cups, sugar cubes and coffee. Sunny slept heavily and was undisturbed by the small sounds he made as he stirred the hot liquid. Meryl found the smell of coffee beans and Snake's darkened shape brought back memories she'd long thought she'd forgotten. He usually added something stronger then caffeine to his drink, even when they were out and stopped at cafés he'd pull out a small flask and tip it in, not bothered by her disapproving glare.

She'd been young, but not stupid. His drinking had definitely been a factor dooming their budding relationship, but her memory skipped those short months and went straight to the thought that she'd never been given a proper explanation as to why he'd deserted her without so much as a goodbye. One morning she'd woken up to find most of his clothes and belongings missing and the little cash they had left stacked beside her on his pillow.

"What?" he asked as she took the cup from his hand, surprised by the level of intensity she was watching him with now.

"Nothing," she lied unconvincingly, taking a sip from her drink and burning her lip and tongue as she did so.

He leant up against the stove, unwilling to make the effort to perch on the small table Meryl had settled herself on. His bones creaked and ached enough without having to struggle getting up and down again. He exhaled loudly through his nose and went along with her lie.

"I'll remember to shut it next time if you're that bothered," he grumbled, eyeing the bathroom door, "Not like you haven't seen it all before though huh."

"Otacon too?" Meryl teased.

Snake shot her a look that clearly said 'shut up and drink your damn coffee'. She snorted, almost tipping her cup onto her lap. "What about Sunny, last thing she needs to see at her age."

"Bit late for that," he admitted, somewhat sheepishly. Meryl's shocked expression made him realise he probably owed her a few more details to make his statement sound less sinister. "It took a while for me to remember she was around you know, when she first came to us. I was used to wandering about half-undressed-"

"You were always like that," Meryl interrupted with a sly grin. Snake continued as if he hadn't heard her.

"I turned round one day and found her standing behind me. Made me jump and curse a blue streak. Otacon kept her under close observation for any severe scarring I may have caused," he finished with a roll of his eyes, "She was, what, four?"

Meryl shook her head from side to side, smiling beside herself. "He really dotes on her, doesn't he."

"Yeah, well," Snake said between sips, "He used to look after his step-sister when she was kid. It's like instinct, isn't it."

"I wouldn't know."

The atmosphere quickly became subdued, and the pair of them found themselves avoiding the others gaze until Sunny groaned in her sleep, rolled over and mumbled:

"_Let's go the park Uncle Hal..."_

Meryl's cup was placed on the table with a quiet thunk, the flavour suddenly too bitter for her liking. The air itself seemed to fill with tension as both their eyes trailed from the little girl to each other, and a mass of unsaid questions leapt to the forefront of Meryl's mind. There was so little time left for them now, they couldn't keep dancing around the past as if it had never happened. There'd been too many regrets neither of them could change, she wasn't about to sit back and watch her only opportunity for explanations rot and die right in front of her.

Snake sensed her sudden change of mood and remained stoic in front of the stove, his cup raised in front of him like a barrier between them.

"We have to face up to the past sooner or later," Meryl began, keeping her voice carefully controlled. That was the problem with living on the Nomad, no real privacy. Snake sighed, finished his drink in one gulp. The liquid burnt his throat, but he enjoyed the sensation, the after-taste. The little things about life that people took for granted like feel and taste and touch. He didn't want to accept that these things were limited for him, but found that he already had a long time ago - before he'd even begun ageing, before he knew he would be dead within weeks. How could he make Meryl _understand_ that...

He placed his empty cup in the sink and pushed away from the stove. "I thought it was always better to put the past behind us."

Meryl calmly contemplated his words before shaking her head miserably, "Maybe. I just... I just never moved on from _us_, you now. From you. I felt your shadow wherever I went, with whatever man I found myself with. In the end I gave up looking and threw myself into my career – whatever was left of it after Moses anyway. I think I always hoped I'd come across you again, even when I was trying to get away from the memory of you..."

"Meryl-" Snake begun, his shoulders coiling inwards in a move to keep her words from settling on him, from having to make the acknowledgement that he had in fact made an impact on the world, on the people he'd met.

He knew Otacon would survive without him, that Sunny was young and would grow into a woman Olga would have been proud of. He'd be happy to be no more then a memory carried on by them. Meryl presented something very different to face up to. Not what had been, but what had _not_. His broken promises and empty words, all the things they'd never had with each other or anyone else. It was his fault Meryl was so lonely, she didn't need to tell him or to even know it herself. He'd tried to warn her to stay away, not to get involved. When people did they either died or were left damaged by the side of the world his very existence showed them.

Snake could make excuses, point the finger of blame at everyone else for being too weak to stomach it all. But he didn't, because he always knew he could walk away if he wanted to. He didn't have to become what he was born to be; a shadow of his father first - a soldier, and a man second. He hadn't. Simple as that. He rode the current of his life and let himself take a fall into unknown waters, and this was where he'd ended up.

He consoled himself with the knowledge that there were worse places to be.

"I don't regret anything I've done," he started slowly, the words escaping his lips and drifting back to him as if he were listening to someone else speak, "This is the way the world is, and it's going to get worse. Things are messy and unpredictable and full of shadows. Like me, I'm a shadow of the old world now Meryl, it's time I moved on and so should you. You have to change with the world... or get left behind to rot."

He exited the room and left her sitting in uneasy silence on the table, staring at the cooling coffee cup.

* * *

Disclaimer: All rights to Konami, I own nothing.

**EDITED: AUGUST 7TH 2009**


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